Waiting at the DMV

“I’m trying to write a story about a guy that goes to a holiday music show and then – BAM – he suddenly knows everything about everyone in the crowd, like all these intimate details from everyone around him.”

“What’s the holiday?”

“What’s the holiday? I mean it’s a holiday show, around now, wintery stuff, so it’s Christmas. But it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s just a concert. Could be any holiday.”

“Of course it matters, I gotta know the scene, the place, the smells, the people, the clothes, man I gotta breathe it all in – so Christmas, yeah?”

“Alright, sure, yeah Christmas. It’s a Christmas show.”

“Why is the guy there?”

“At the holiday show?”

“Yeah. Why is he there?”

“What? What do you mean? Why is he there?”

“Yeah. Why is he there?”

“What the fuck – why do you think he’s there? He’s there because it’s a music show. He likes music. He wants to see some live music.”

“So, he likes Christmas music? He likes Christmas music enough to go to a Christmas show?”

“Yeah, yeah, he likes it enough, but whatever forget that shit, alright? It doesn’t matter. He was invited by his Dad, so he goes.”

“So what songs is he hearing?”

“Doesn’t matter! He’s just at the show and some songs are being played and some other shit happens. Okay? The songs don’t matter. This is not a story about the holiday or the songs or whatever.”

“I gotta know the songs. What songs are playing? Does he have an emotional connection with a song or something? Maybe that’s how he learns all this shit about everyone.”

“That’s – that’s not how he learns everything.”

“So, how does he learn everything?”

“I don’t know. It’s a Christmas miracle or something, maybe. It doesn’t matter, it’s not important.”

“I gotta know how it happens. Why does he instantly get all of this information?”

“Who knows?  He just does. ‘Suspension of disbelief’ here for a second, man. Maybe a light shines onto him and he absorbs all of the memories of the people in the room or something.”

“So, it’s a religious story, is he like Jesus Two?”

“No, no, no – dude we just don’t know. He gets all of this information. He just gets it. Where does it come from? Who knows!? He doesn’t know. We don’t know. Nobody knows. It’s not part of the story. We don’t need to know.”

“Sure we do. I want to know. Somebody knows. People don’t just get superpowers without a reason.”

“Alright alright fucker. Ummmm… Okay so he’s actually just crazy and he’s making up the stories himself. They aren’t true.”

“He’s crazy?”

“He’s crazy.

“Like Russell Crowe – A Beautiful Mind crazy or Hoffman – Rain Man crazy?”

“Uh I guess Beautiful Mind, he’s just making up shit in his head, he isn’t autistic or anything.”

“Oh, I hate Jennifer Connelly. She’s so god damn boring. Every time I see her onscreen I want to kick her in the face. Waaa-Chaa! How does she keep getting work?”

“Aye, she’s terrible.”

“I see her walk up to me and I’ll be like, ‘Yo J-Cons!’ WAAA-CHAAA! Tomahawk right to the cranium.”

“Good thing you’re never gonna meet her, psycho. Alright, so anyway -”


“Shush. Alright, so the dude is mental. He’s fucked. Totally fucked. Thinks he has all these people’s memories in his brain.”

“His Dad doesn’t know he’s crazy?”

“No. It’s a new craziness. It only begins to affect him at the show. Or at least that’s the first time we realize it’s happening.”

“Why? Is there some special song? A trigger?”

“It affects him because that is the first scene of my story. We don’t know why. You don’t need to know every fucking detail. I haven’t worked it all out yet!”

“Fine – so he’s crazy and he thinks he knows everything about the people around him.”


“That includes his father?”

“Yeah, right. So the story is gonna be that the guy instantly realizes his father married the wrong woman. The father shouldn’t have married this kid’s mother. He’s been acting the whole time, pretending to be happy while on the inside he is depressed and wonders what happened to his first love.”

“The father has been acting, you mean, or the kid?”

“The father. The kid thinks the father is depressed and has been acting happy for… like, forever.”

“And the kid is crazy so this is all bullshit right?”

“Right. Well, maybe it’s based on assumptions or an old yearbook or something the kid finds earlier, but yeah it’s not true.”

“So, the kid imagines his dad is depressed and he imagines a reason for it.”

“Yeah, and also maybe this kid imagines at the same time that his mother is not actually his mother. He imagines this girl his dad is aching for is actually his mother.”

“Shit. The kid is gonna ruin everyone’s lives.”

“Yeah, so then the story becomes trying to get his dad together with this woman from his past.”


“Totally insane. Especially since the kid’s mother, I mean the woman who actually raised him and he called Mom, that girl IS his mother.”

“This gonna be The Parent Trap? You’re getting this crazy kid to match two people together?”

“Fuck The Parent Trap, man. That movie sucks.”

“The old one or the Lindsey Lohan one?”

“Lohan. Have you seen the old one?”


“Yeah, me neither but I’m sure it’s better than Lohan’s.”

“How is this not different from The Parent Trap?

“Forget The Parent Trap, for a minute alright? So the father and this old flame meet, and actually begin having an affair, and then the father ends up running away with the woman and abandoning his family.”


“…and what?”

“Ah shit. That’s it? I thought we were building up to something, but you just cut it off. What the fuck kind of ending is that? That’s terrible. What a piece of shit.”

“Oye! We’re working through it now, brainstorming. Maybe we make a new ending.”

“Yeah, you need a new ending. And a new everything else. I’m not impressed. It’s shit. You should stop trying to do this stuff.”

“You know my first ending was gonna be where the kid learns all of this stuff about the people around him, he gets super depressed, and then walks outside and kills himself. It’s just too much. He can’t handle the sadness.”

“Well I’m glad you didn’t tell me that one first because it’s even worse.”

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