Ah, the wonders of the internet. You start out with some very basic questions about human evolution and wind up looking at strange cartoon pictures of sexuality. Delightful.
Now, I assure you, I did not begin my journey through the bowels of Wikipedia with the express intention of seeing cartoon men (and some women) ejaculate onto each other in a variety of interesting ways. But once I found my way down that fascinating hallway of animated splooge, I simply couldn’t resist clicking on every new and wonderful term I came across.
So, I have begun looking at some of the messages that were sent to my bizarre sexual deviant fake OkCupid profile.
They are glorious.
If only Jesse was real, she could make a great many strange men very, very happy.
These shall be presented in their unedited form, of course.
Names concealed to protect the “innocent.”
“I am blinded that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else, I saw your profile and I thought wow I am attracted at first sight”
— Ooo profound. I wonder if this kind of copy/paste statement actually works on girls?
Alright folks. I know you’ve been eagerly refreshing GrilledLife in hopes of seeing the next installment of my OkCupid experiment.
I have decided not to throw the complete profile up here. Just for the sake of time and effort I will pick out a selection of the best “bits” and use them. But, of course, if I receive a deluge of requests I will upload everything.
And after about 48 hours my message received count has slowed to a paltry, paltry 64.
So, without further ado, I present the most twisted perverse deviant living in Brooklyn, Jesse:
Holy Jesus Moses Abraham Mother of Mohammad Ganesha and The Seven Dwarves.
This shit just got real.
Alright. As a matter of full disclosure, I am about to blow your fucking mind here. (Well, maybe not if you’ve been following my blog/reviews/mental vomitings for a while now.)
‘Cause dis shit just got REAL.
As a ghost, I spent most of my time haunting the hallways and flitting between cliques with enough frequency that none would ever be able to accurately recall if I was there or not, so I was ecstatic to reach my fourth year of high school – senior year – when I would only be required to attend a half days worth of classes before I would be allowed to run, jump, and skip down the hallway and out the door to the parking lot and to my car and into it and out and away from that fucking waste of a place that occupied less of my mind while I attended than it does now.
It’s summer and I’ve just finished cutting the grass and I’m lying on my back with my sunglasses on wearing my ripped checkered stained shorts I always wear when I do lawn work and no shirt and a bunch of tan lines that represent I’ve spent the summer working outside for prolonged moments during the hottest points of the summertime day.
I could dive into the sky and the blue would barely register a ripple, but today I’m content to gaze up and into its expanse and wonder when the whole thing will come crashing down upon me. I grow smaller or the blades of the grass grow taller and I find myself sinking deep into my lawn – the stalks rise like a forest of green Greek pillars and I tumble further and further into their embrace.
9/10 – Grilled Seal of Approval
I’m going to paraphrase something George Clooney says in The Descendants. He’s talking about the perception of life in Hawaii from the perspective of those on the mainland. Life in Hawaii is a never ending beach vacation filled with Mai Tais, jet skis, and blissfully warm weather year round. Or so the mainlanders imagine. It’s a fantasy, and the reality is that Hawaiians have all of the normal problems in their lives, and the additional grip of living in the most expensive state in America. Though, of course, to that the mainlanders just shrug and say it’s the price of doing business in such a beautiful place. Everything always looks greener on the other side, right?
Damn, I’m hungry. Not hungry in a philosophical sense for a life of greater purpose or in a psychological sense for increased cognizance (Well, I am hungry for those, just that’s not what is occupying my mind at the moment), but the simple hunger that comes from not having food in your belly.
My family has a notorious reputation of unhappiness and temper tantrums when we don’t eat. It gets ugly, you wouldn’t want to see it. Tears are shed, plates are broken, blood is drunken, you know how it goes.
There’s something delightfully phony about the entire online dating thing, Facebook, and basically social media in general. The fact that we are making profiles that purport to represent our true selves is a fallacy in and of itself. How can we trust the opinion of someone who is creating their own public persona? Clearly there is a conflict of interest here between a truthful representation and making sure to only highlight specific and enviable aspects of a globe-trotting migrant cosmopolitan lifestyle. *Ahem* Cough. Cough.
Beard, glasses, vaguely “hipster-ish”
Skinny, thin, slender, possibly “emaciated”
Often emits loud random sounds – “Squuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!” “Poooookoooooooo”
“Sharp elbows” – Can be useful in a variety of situations.
Strong cocktails: iced, stirred, and ready upon waking.
Chopping wood while fantasizing about chain gangs.
Inspiring mortal terror in enemies.
Achieving catharsis through defecation.
Arm wrestling disabled children.
Racial stereotypes when they are beneficial for, “the white man.”
Raising cannibalistic pets.
Lying to my family.