Don Jon (2013)

6/10

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New Joiesy. I’m from New Joiesy, ya heard? Da fuck ya lookin’ at? Yer a fuckin’ mook!

This is how people from New Jersey talk, or at least this is how they talk in Don Jon, because where I’m from (“The countryside, the central Jersey side, apple pies so good you can cry – side”) nobody talks like that. So, Donny Don, you don’t mind if I call you Donny Don, do you? No? Okay, good. So, Donny Don is addicted to porn. He likes to beat his meat. He enjoys strangling the chicken. He gets a kick out of stroking the sausage. He has fun rubbing the Orangutan. He clearly doesn’t mind spending time putting a bind around the thick line between his thighs. So, fine! And perfectly understandable. Though I think I understand for different reasons than are in the film. What is the difference between a one-night-stand and jerking off? Both are climactic releases of energy (and semen) that don’t go any further than that one single moment. There’s no romantic intimacy, there’s no true connection. It’s just a man and a woman (or a man and a computer/magazine /tablet/photograph/memory/whatever) fucking. The man puts his dick inside a hole in the woman. The man pushes in and out a bit. The man says something like, “Ohhhh” and grunts and shudders and then pulls out and rolls over and goes to sleep. And the woman stares up at the ceiling and wonders what the fuck she just did that for and why it was so unsatisfying and what and what and what and just what the FUCK. Damn! Damn!

And I just don’t see the point of it. If the woman is only looking for a one-night-stand, the chances are she will go home unsatisfied and without achieving an orgasm. If the woman is looking for something longer lasting, well, she’ll be disappointed, because the man isn’t. I’m not saying every man is looking to wham and bam and see ya see ya every woman he sees. But I am saying many of them (us) are. But I am saying that most of them (us) are. Many men (it seems from my humble perspective as a member of the lesser sex) are looking for a release rather than a lasting connection. And if this is all they are looking for then a woman who is looking for the opposite will be sorely disappointed. The men, in this case, would be better served watching porn or going to a prostitute. These activities offer the opportunity for a pure release without all the icky-ness of things like FEELINGS and EMOTIONS that arise when one party thinks the other party wants something more than the first party wants. There are too many conflicting agendas between a man and a woman (we’ll specifically talk about heterosexual relationships as it is where I have the most experience) who have met each other for the first time. What does the one want? What does the other want? Who knows?

I realize I am perhaps cutting myself off at the knees by refusing to have one-night-stand’s. Am I losing out on a host of wonderful experiences with women who also only want something for the night? Maybe, maybe, maybe, but I don’t know. I’ve met many women in my time, and they almost overwhelmingly (from my perspective) were looking for something more than just a single night of sloppy drunken fucking. Sure, I had the opportunity to have sex with these women, and maybe I did in the past (maybe I did), but something about growing older and wiser and more tired (I may sound 60, but I assure you I am not yet 26) means I just don’t want to bother with all of that bullshit. I don’t want to be the one to make some girl (woman) feel bad because she misinterpreted the outcome of the night. I don’t want to deal with the consequences of giving into my more base, mammalian instincts and being forced to interact with someone I only really like on a physical level. That’s not good. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to just fuck, and no I’m not going to say the two words you’re thinking of, one starting with ‘M’, one starting with ‘L’, and both combining to rhyme something like, “Bake Dove(s).” No, I’m not going to say that phrase, but I will think about it for awhile.

So, if the option comes to me, the choice, sure I want to pick porn. Not because it is inherently better as a result of the look of the girls or the visuals or the control or whatever (though those are all nice benefits), but because with porn I know I’m not going to have to explain or bullshit my way out of a situation or hurt someone. And it’s the same perspective with prostitution. On one hand you have men looking for a release and (again generalizing) woman looking for something more. Legalize prostitution! The men get a release – an interaction with an attractive, fictionalized version of woman. Prostitution is NOT REAL. These are actors playing a part (for the moment let’s comepletely ignore the negative aspects of prostitution, including but not limited to: child endangerment, poverty, hopelessness, lack of self-worth, problems with intimacy, human trafficking, and much more). So, you watch a porno, jerk off, release, close the porno. So, you buy a hooker, fuck, release, pay, leave. So, you pick up a girl at a bar, bring her back to your apartment, fuck, feel awkward, want her to leave, she gets angry, throws your vase through the window, window breaks, vase is out out out “AHHHH”, hear scream, look down, neighbor is on the ground, bleeding, crying, praying, dying, wondering why why why you didn’t just buy a fucking prostitute you dumb muther fucker!

So, in summary, if you don’t want to commit murder the obvious choice is porn or a prostitute.

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