9/10 – Grilled Seal of Approval

Hello, Lake Bell!

I never would have guessed you had something like this inside your mind! I have to admit that I am not the biggest Lake Bell fan. First of all, she was on Surface, a show about watery creatures or aliens or some shit like that, I don’t really know cause I never watched it. But the commercials were always on TV – SURFACE!! – accompanied by gurgling water noises and the – BUM BUM – noise that means This Show Has Some Creepy Supernatural Weird Shit In It – BUM BUM. You know the sound, I don’t need to act it out.

So, that’s a good enough reason to dislike a show, and I decided to form a letter campaign in order to get it canceled. And it worked! Hurray! (Full disclosure 1: I never started any letter campaign. Full disclosure 2: I barely even noticed when Surface was on TV. Full disclosure 3: I find deaf girls sexy. Full Disclosure 4: Full Disclosure 3 is completely irrelevant and unnecessary) So, Surface went off the air, and I naturally assumed I would never hear from Lake Bell again.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

Next thing you know she’s playing one of the female leads on another short lived TV show, How To Make It In America. 
Okay, and because I like you, I’m gonna drop some knowledge on you. I don’t do this for just anybody, you know that right? Okay, well, okay listen – listen up listen up. Hey, you know Victor Rasuk, right? He was one of the leads in How To Make It In America, you know right? He was in Jobs! You know right? Okay, well if you don’t you betta wisen up, cause the kid’s a star – a star I’m telling you! An S – T – A – R – E – star! This kid’s got the goods and next up is the newGodzilla movie and then the mega sexy-time literature smash hit, 50 Shades of Grey. Kid’s a star! But, get in on the ground floor, ya heard? Now you can watch all of his back films and toss out recommendations to your bros about this underground actor who’s about to Blow Up in 2014. Coming Soon!
(Full disclosure 5: I’ve known Victor for 20+ years)

Anyway, so Lake Bell is in America with Vic, and I still wasn’t a fan. Sorry, Lake Bell! You do have a really cool name, but I just am not a fan, sorry!

So, I guess she heard all of the talk. All of the talk coming from my mouth about how I wasn’t a big fan of hers and how I thought she couldn’t write, direct, and act in her own project and how I thought she should marry a man, last name “Side.” (Har har har.)

I guess she heard me, because she turned around and made In a World…, which is totally fucking awesome. Yeah! Yeah! Okay, Lake Bell, I’m a big boy, I can admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong. You don’t need to marry a man named “Side.”

And you know what?
What?
No, I want you to guess, guess what?
I’m not gonna guess. Just tell me whatever it is.
That’s the game, just guess.
I don’t even care about whatever it is. If you want to tell me good. If not – I don’t care..
Just guess.
No.
…
…
… Guess…
… Uhhhh… okay –  You will die alone.
WHAT
What? That’s my guess. Is that what you wanted to tell me?
NO!
So, what is it?
I don’t think I want to tell you anymore.
Fine. I gotta go anyway. See ya.
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT – I was wrong about Lake Bell! There I said it!
Is that it?
Is that not enough?
*sighs* Okay, fine. Goodnight, Mr. De Niro.