Best Unintended Uses of OkCupid

I added some new edits to my OkCupid profile yesterday. There’s a constant ebb and flow between presenting myself in a manner that would be appealing for “normal” people and diving headfirst into some of my more unusual characteristics and mannerisms that signify I am unsuitable relationship material for most of the globe. And therein lies the rub: Do you display your freak flag proudly? Do you string it up the flagpole, pour gasoline throughout the fairgrounds, and then immolate the land as a beacon to individuality? Freaks attract freaks and weird follows weird and if I am looking for a relationship, shouldn’t I be wearing my honesty like I do my favorite pants – daily, through every holiday and every season, and regardless of stains or clumps of dirt or affinity to attract the snaring hook of a drawer or a corner of a desk?

Of course, there is an argument to be made for restraint. That you can’t reveal these elements of your personality all at once. That you bring them out slowly and gently and over the course of many dates. Well, fuck that. Weird follows weird. I grow weary of normal girls and normal situations and I need something more. So, if I am causing myself to lose the ability to attract the blonde white girls who wear single color spaghetti strap tops paired with a simple short skirt and profess their materialism as a positive and their “Rah Rah Go America” cheerleadering as if it is the only acceptable life perspective and  make kissy faces in the pictures and blah and blah and blah if I lose that, then good!

Call it culling the wheat from the chaff and call it a positive. Also, and on a more logical note, I am in no position to even date. I have too many things going on and too little things going on in the proper columns to be dating right now. Which is why I don’t even use my OkCupid in the manner for which it was even intended and also why I don’t really give a fuck if everyone who encounters my profile leaves thinking I am an incredibly bizarre human being.

Best Unintended Uses of OkCupid:

1) Finding your enemies  – You can sort potential suitors by a number of categories including Match, Friend, and Enemy. I like to search for my enemies. The girls who are my “100%” enemies generally contain the characteristics listed above and also happen to overwhelmingly work in fashion. Apparently someone who works in the fashion industry is going to hate almost everything about me and I about her. Go figure. I find it fascinating to go through the profiles of the conservative, nationalistic, materialistic, fashion-obsessed, hard partying, thoughtlessly robotic blonde robots who are my polar opposites, and to think about the meatheads and guidos and other male stereotypes that gladly pursue them.

2) Finding weird new movies and music – Everyone cultivates a particular image for themselves on their social networks and social media accounts and, of course, on online dating sites. Therefore, I like searching for random ass weird bands or movies and finding the random ass people who have put those in their profiles. Chances are, they will have other random ass bands or movies listed and I can discover a new awesome song or film.

3) Answering the personality questions – I think everybody likes talking about themselves, or at least I like talking about myself so I’m gonna assume everyone does too becomes I’m an assuming asshole like that. Anyway, there are all kinds of interesting questions like “How often do you make up and sing ditties?” (Answer: OFTEN) And “Do you have a body so hot it turns heads? (Answer: I did say “No”, but I added an explanation that I have witnessed guys checking out my ass before) And “In a certain light, wouldn’t nuclear war be exciting? (Answer: Yes!). Anyway, so you answer a bunch of questions (and by bunch I mean I’ve answered a fucking thousand – it’s REALLY fun!) and then the little bars on your personality graph move up and down. According to my personality graph I am much more cool, adventurous, indie, friendly to strangers, and experienced in love than the average user. Those were my top five categories.

My bottom categories were less well-read, pure, literary, wealthy, and sex-driven. I agree with most of my personality graph, but what the fuck! I have two categories that say I don’t read! I read! I’m a writer! How can a writer not read!?! I wonder how much people are actually reading that I could get two – TWO – shitty non reading categories?!? I definitely agree with being less wealthy and less sex-driven and even being less pure because I assume “less pure” simply means I am open to trying weird new things and experiences, but the whole non-reading thing? I call it bollocks! Bollocks!!!

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