When I Tried To Learn About Evolution

Ah, the wonders of the internet. You start out with some very basic questions about human evolution and wind up looking at strange cartoon pictures of sexuality. Delightful.

Now, I assure you, I did not begin my journey through the bowels of Wikipedia with the express intention of seeing cartoon men (and some women) ejaculate onto each other in a variety of interesting ways. But once I found my way down that fascinating hallway of animated splooge, I simply couldn’t resist clicking on every new and wonderful term I came across.

But, as a matter of full disclosure, I do admit that even I (with my expansive knowledge of the darkest and most disgusting things the internet has to offer) stumbled across a few terms I had never seen before. It is shocking to me that I had never before heard about such impressive practices as gokkun or felching. You are more than welcome to Google any of these terms if you would like more information, but it would probably be wise to wait until grandmothers and children under age four are out of the room.

More importantly, since we have now arrived in the fourth month of the 2014th year of our Lord and Savior, I must fulfill the blood oath I once swore to a Cambodian jungle sorceress. I had awoken on her front lawn after a night of heavy inebriation and (foolishly) requested a bottle of lukewarm non-faucet bottled water in an attempt to quiet the metallic banging that I recognized as the first stage of a Southeast Asian hangover.

She held the bottle out, but each time I feebly reached for it, she snatched it away. Again and again she played this cruel trick, until finally I could stand no more! “Sorceress!” I screamed as loudly as my parched throat would allow, “Why doth thou torture so?”

Her black eyes glinted and she cocked her head to the side like a bird. Black wings exploded from under her black shawl and talons sprouted where once were toes. Her nose grew and hardened into a beak and snapped open and shut like a trap. Feathers tornadoed around us and blotted out the sun as a voice suddenly smashed into my consciousness. It didn’t come from the bird; it didn’t come from anywhere. It was simply there all along, but I just couldn’t hear it.

It was a command, a promise, an oath. The voice had heard about Grilled Life. The voice was displeased with my frank discussions of past relationships and current jaunts of alcoholic excess. The voice knew. The voice didn’t like. The voice wanted change. And the voice refused to be placated by my usual quips and goofy dance moves. Damn.

So, we came to an agreement. By April 2014, Grilled Life would become completely censored and suitable for all ages. And you know what? Actually that’s not too bad a deal since I got to leave with that bottle of water. God, I was thirsty.

Since this blog is now censored, I realize it will be impossible to show the real cartoon pictures of flying male fluids. Therefore, I have edited each picture and removed all traces of sexuality that would be deemed to be inappropriate by any sensible person. Instead of the disgusting, horrible, unholy, devilish shooting sperm that filled up approximately 100% of the pixels of the original pictures, I have used my fancy Photoshop skills to make everything completely “family friendly.”

Of course, since this is an educational experience, I knew I needed to put something in place of all of those lovely baby-making boogers. Therefore, I added a slippery, slightly gel-like white substance that looks entirely like male gooshy, but actually isn’t. I also added happy faces wherever there may or may not have been penises, buttholes, vaginas, and nipples.

I know, I know, I’m brilliant.

I’ve also taken the time to add completely plausible alternate scenarios for these pictures because I wouldn’t want any of our younger viewers getting the wrong idea and thinking something sexual was going on here.

800px-Wiki-analoral smiles

“Uh oh, there’s something in your butt, Margery! Don’t worry, I’ll get it out with my teeth!” “Thanks Sarah, you’re a real friend. I cherish you. Let’s never let stupid men get in the way of our relationship!” “Great idea, Margery! Men are lameee.”

Wikibukkake_newsmiles

“Oh my God, my hair is an absolute mess today, and I have a job interview!” “Don’t worry Susan, my friends and I will pour sugar water on you while naked. Your hair will look great.” “Do you really need to be naked to pour sugar water on me?” “OBVIOUSLY.”

Wiki-sball_hetero

*Oh my God. Why did we go into the desert without any clothes?!? Drink Tommy drink!*

Wiki-gokkun

Mmmm cow juice… delicious… strong bones…

Semfac01smiles

Hmmm his genital warts aren’t very reflective today… however can I lather in my face cream if I can’t see my face?

 

 

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