Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

9.5/10 – Grilled Seal of Approval


The culmination of the McConaissance and the reason he will soon be walking home with a shiny new golden man for his mantel. Well, it’s probably unlikely that he will be walking home, I have to imagine he owns a car or has the money to purchase a ride in a taxi or has the willingness to slum it in a bus or has the number of a man who will pick him up and carry him wherever he wants to go.

In the future, it will be a battle between the “haves” and the “have-nots” – the “carried” and the “carriers.” Once you reach a certain monatary threshold, your specially designed, overly large 80s style gold-plated cell phone will be delivered to your most recent address. Using this phone (which is perfectly designed to be gaudy and catch the attention of everyone around you and make sure the world is blinded by your obvious immense wealth) will enable you to quickly and easily connect with one of your two (2) Personal Carriers. (Tests have shown that using only one (1) Personal Carrier can result in the Personal Carrier’s health deteriorating to the point of death in an unreasonable amount of time. By using two (2) Personal Carriers we guarantee you will be carried [without fear of being dropped or having your Personal Carrier die of exhaustion] for a minimum of four months. If your Personal Carrier(s) perish prior to the four month minimum, we graciously allow a 10% discount on your next Personal Carrier purchase.)

Enter the world of luxury with your own Personal Carriers. These magnificent specimens will respond to your every command and can also be used for a variety of entertainment purchases including, but not limited to:

Knife Throwing.
Aerobic Dancing.
Competitive Eating.
Handwriting Competitions.

Some Personal Carriers may be able to engage in light conversation, but we cannot guarantee their ability to hold a prolonged conversation.

For us, simply being rich, powerful, and good-looking is not enough. We shall further segregate ourselves from the slums of the masses by remaining constantly above the ground. Welcome to The Clouds.

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