Escape Plan (2013)

4/10

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Hey, alright alright alright – I admit it. I am human and I have needs and sometimes those needs entail watching a goofy fucking movie with a juiced up, plastique Sly Stallone and a similarly veiny Arnold. Every once in a while it feels good to watch something completely formulaic;  you get the groan inducing one liners, the ludicrous plot lines and characters, and  the insane coincidences that only happen in films and in these kinds of films in particular. Shitty films, but, hey, it gives your life a little perspective, right?

And what a shitty movie it truly is. I mean one of the basic things in this film is that these guys are supposedly still great fighters. Time after time we see them absolutely destroying the other prisoners, and, of course, they eventually are able to climb to the top of the shit-prison-heap and escape. I guess all those ‘roids really help, but it does seem insane that two guys approaching 70 are able to run around with the vigor of 20-somethings.

50 Cent shows up here in a costarring role that has nothing to do with rap music. He wears blazers and frequently flashes his brilliant pearly whites, and that’s all well and good and fine, but it does seem a waste of his time. Do we really want to see 50 Cent be a straight shooting office worker? Why has “Get Rich Or Die Trying” been replaced by “Wear Nice Slacks And Earn A Decent Wage?”

50, 50, 50…. come on man. You are the embodiment of the American dream, and according to my totally made-up statistics, you are still one of the richest men in the hip hop industry. So why the suit and tie routine?

Clearly, 50 became just as enticed by the thought of seeing Sly and Arnie’s veiny roid arms as the rest of the movie-going public, and I guess we can understand that perspective. Who among us would really turn down the chance to see two walking talking totems to male superficiality?

Who indeed?!

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