Single Looking For Mingle

Physical Description:
Beard, glasses, vaguely “hipster-ish”
Skinny, thin, slender, possibly “emaciated”
Often emits loud random sounds – “Squuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!” “Poooookoooooooo”
“Sharp elbows” – Can be useful in a variety of situations. 

Strong cocktails: iced, stirred, and ready upon waking.
Chopping wood while fantasizing about chain gangs.
Inspiring mortal terror in enemies.
Achieving catharsis through defecation. 
Cold cuts. 
Arm wrestling disabled children.
Racial stereotypes when they are beneficial for, “the white man.”
Raising cannibalistic pets.
Lying to my family.

So, I’ve decided it’s about time for me to jump back into the dating pool. The dating world is a, “dog eat dog”, “big fish eat little fish,” “hungry cat eat not-as-hungry cat,” kind of thing these days, so I know if I want to rise to the top of the dumpster I’ve got to set myself apart from the scrum. I’ve taken the liberty to list a few of my characteristics, which I’m sure will be essential in procuring an appropriate mate. Once I have finalized the details of my character description, smoothing out all of the wrinkles that may frighten away the more skittish of potential suitors, I shall make flyers using the Microsoft Word 2010 Starter Kit. In order to make sure my flyers really, “POP,” I will use the Paint program found in the Accessories folder on Windows computers. This Paint program has many tools for creating cool, “Special Effects.” Oh, yeah, sorry, now I see… it’s actually located FIRST in the All Programs folder, THEN in the Accessories folder.

On my flyers I will include a picture of my face with bright red lipstick kisses adorning my cheeks, nose, forehead, hair, glasses, actually, just the whole fucking thing. When my suitors see my kisses covered face, they will be so very, very impressed that I have acquired so many, many kisses. Supply and demand, you see?

There are certain potential mates that are, “more highly sought after,” than others. For example, I know after following one woman for the past month, that she visits the local cemetery and brings flowers to some young dead man who seems to be her former husband. Dedication. That’s what I’m looking for. Life and Death dedication. So, I’ll definitely be posting one of my flyers on this dead guy’s grave so she sees there are better ways to remember the dead than by remembering the dead.

Or, the cat lady who lives in number 62. She’s got more than twenty cats living in a one bedroom apartment. What does that tell me? It tells me she doesn’t mind living in a house full of shit so +1.
She’s probably an archaist. No sensible, law-abiding woman would own a classroom of cats. She must want to tear apart the very fabric of our society… sort of the way her cats tear apart the very fabric of her curtains… +1
We’ll have plenty of cat meat to feast on during the upcoming ice age +1
I’ll put some flyers on her cats and throw them back through her window.

I certainly am a fan of deaf, dumb, and blind women, or, okay, let’s be, “politically correct” and just call them “Living Fleshlights.” There’s something beneficial to be said for a woman who won’t put up a fight when you are trying to impregnate her. I appreciate the little things in life like that.

I’m not too particular or anything, but a girl can dream can’t she?

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