Personal Publicity Ninjas

          There’s something delightfully phony about the entire online dating thing, Facebook, and basically social media in general. The fact that we are making profiles that purport to represent our true selves is a fallacy in and of itself. How can we trust the opinion of someone who is creating their own public persona? Clearly there is a conflict of interest here between a truthful representation and making sure to only highlight specific and enviable aspects of a globe-trotting migrant cosmopolitan lifestyle. *Ahem* Cough. Cough. 

          What we need is a massive overhaul of the entire system. We need public publicity firms working around the clock in order to make honest social media personas for the denizens of the world. These shadowy organizations will assign a personal “publicity ninja” to anyone who wants to exist on the interwebs. Our ninjas will follow us – silently, carefully, and for perpetuity – using their fancy phones to capture us at our most truthfully revealing. Now when we log into our favorite social media websites we can be truly shocked and horrified at the surprises that await us. There’s that really awkward picture of you scratching your balls under the kitchen table. Then there’s another really awkward picture of you scratching your balls while walking down the hallway. Then there’s one of you scratching while putting in a lightbulb, one when you are doing a handstand, one when you were baking a cake, and there’s that really awkward series of photos of, “the scratch,” “the sniff,” and then, “the taste.” Ughhh. Another day, another series of panic-inducing embarrassments.

          Of course, our ninjas will not be limited to only pictures. Armed with an extensive vocabulary and keenly sharpened writing skills, our ninjas will bust out objective Facebook statuses and dignified 140-character limit Twitter barrages at a moment’s notice:

11/17/2013 – 10:21 PM – Dominick is pooping. Watery feces. Minimal toilet bowl splatter.  

11/17/2013 – 10:23 PM – Dominick remains in the bathroom. The smell has reached the second floor of the house.

11/17/2013 – 10:25 PM – Dominick has flushed the toilet. Additional wiping is needed.

11/17/2013 – 10:25 PM – Dominick has returned to his room. Did not wash hands.

          This amount of honest oversharing will create a society of fear. No one will do anything because everything will be revealed and discussed. There is also the distinct possibility of the alternative, the much, much worse alternative. That after your personal public ninja finishes a particularly disturbingly embarrassing post, there is no reaction. There is no public outcry. There is no phone call from your mother wondering out loud where she went wrong. There is silence and indifference. For all of our fears about oversharing, to finally be shown how useless our lives are to the people around us would be infinitely worse. So let’s continue the collecting of the collection and hope we aren’t the only ones sifting through the memories. 

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