Afternoon Delight (2013)



Now this was a tough one to grade. On the one hand, some of the most painfully awkward hilarious moments ever devised are contained within this film, but on the other hand, the ending is absolutely bizarre. And no, not bizarre in a funny way or an inventive way or in a way that is remotely a positive. No, it’s bizarre because it’s a complete sell-out. Afternoon Delight spends the entire film telling us the main character is insane, then completely reverses its position. Well, not actually insane, but insane in the manner that makes for an traumatically awkward (but also interesting) film.

This woman single-handedly destroys her community, the relationship between two of her friends, and her own marriage. And then after all of the insane actions by this woman (which I should add are frequently very funny) the film decides to go all Hollywood and wrap everything up neatly  and bring her marriage back together.

THIS WOMAN IS CRAZY. EVERYONE SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM HER. If there was ever a movie that begged for a different ending then I can not think of it now, and I wouldn’t think of it now anyway because that would diminish the impact of the first part of my sentence, so we’ll just say there is no other such film of such a high caliber. Thus, I shall give a 7, and the filmmaker should be glad upon receiving even that. I don’t want to have to listen to some annoying filmmaker call me up and complain and proceed to say things like, “Alright, JACKASS. I’m gonna tell you why you’re a JACKASS, and my movie is great… ya JACKASS!”

Ever since my blog exploded in popularity, I’ve been receiving calls of that nature and death threats and letters filled with white powder with notes that say it is Anthrax, but when I taste it I find out it is cocaine and hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of dead cats that keep getting nailed to my door frame. I mean, really, people, if you have a problem with one of my reviews or one of my meandering anecdotes or one of my (or all of my) long extendedly verbose tangents, then please, a simple Email, text message, or human messaging service would suffice to reveal the depths of your displeasure. You do not need to crucify cats! That is foolish! If you continue on the cat killing path Earth will soon be overrun by mice and rats and other small rodents.

The Rodent Army sits and waits for its chance to show its true colors and conquer the globe. It is pure foolishness to eliminate mankind’s greatest ally in the upcoming battle to end all battles: The Humans and the Cats Vs. The Rodent Army.

They (the rodents) wish to enslave us and force ungodly amounts of cheese into our gullets. Some of you may be thinking, “Oooo wow I love cheese, I sure would like to eat cheese all day long!” and to that I say, “OK.”

And then again I say, “OK” and I nod and I clap a few times and I wait for the time when you have to eat American cheese and only American cheese – All Day Long. “Why American cheese?” you may ask. Why American cheese, indeed.

The mice prefer it. The rats live for it. The Rodent Army consumes it with the fervor of a criminal swallowing the last bits of his dinner as the cops bang down his door and haul him away to the slammer. In the future, if you, you the cat-killer, if you keep killing cats then we will all be faced with the consequences. American cheese. All Day Long.

And I prefer my Jarlsberg to American, so please, stop nailing cats to my door frame.

Thank you.

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