12 Years a Slave (2013)

9/10 – Grilled Seal of Approval

twelve_years_a_slave_xlg

So, I realized what is wrong with America today. I know, I know, that sounds like a terribly arrogant foolish stupid thing to say, and I don’t disagree with you about that.

But I stand by what I said anyway! Today I was reminded of the terrible, terrible people who inhabit this grand land of sweeping plains, vast meadows, cavernous caverns, mountainous mountains, and valley-ous valleys. Ohhhh sayy can youuu seeeeeeee byy theeee dawwwwwnnssss earrrrrlyyyyyyyy liggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.

I’m sure when Abraham Lincoln wrote the Declaration of Independence aboard Colombus’ ship in 1812 he would agree with me about the current state of affairs in America. I’m sure he would turn to me with a big sloppy drunken grin on his face and an erection in his pants and he would tell me, “Son, you… my son. Right? You my son? I can’t remember… HAD TO MUCH TO DRINK! Sorry for yelling son. Are you my son? Ah, I’m drunk, son. I’m DRUNK….. AH!! Who the FUCK are you?” Clearly he is way past his drinking limit, but I’ll forgive him because since Ole’ Abe and I have a telepathic connection I knew what he wanted to say –

“Dominick. Sweet child. Praise be the ground thy walks upon! Sweet lord! I am not worthy of your presence! Your words… your WORDS! They could make a grown man cry… and they have… because that grown man……………………..is………………… is……………….. tis………. tissssssssss…… tissss. uhn. tiss. uhn tiss uh tiss uhn tiss…..

– tis I”

But what he realllllly wanted to say if I had given him a little more time was, “God Damn It. I HATE The Incredible Burt Wonderstone starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini.”

And to which I say, “Yeah. It is a terrible movie.”

I won’t even have to wonder why Ole’ Abe knows about The Incredible Burt Wonderstone starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini because I know that terrible movies transcend all normal laws of time, space, physics, logic, and humor.

IN CONCLUSION:

Today I witnessed a man on a bus watching a downloaded copy of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini.

THE APOCALYPSE CAN NOT COME SOON ENOUGH. Of all the amazing films to watch in the world, of all of the great pieces of stunning cinematic art, this mother fuckeringeringeringeringfuckinger SOUGHT OUT and DOWNLOADED an illegal copy of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini.

No!
No!
Bad man!
No!

IN FURTHER CONCLUSION:

If you’re looking for laughs look no further than 12 Years a Slave.

IN FURTHERER CONCLUSION:

12 Years a Slave is not a comedy. BUT it is a great film. Watch it. Study it. Poop on people who download The Incredible Burt Wonderstone starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s