So, I have begun looking at some of the messages that were sent to my bizarre sexual deviant fake OkCupid profile.
They are glorious.
If only Jesse was real, she could make a great many strange men very, very happy.

These shall be presented in their unedited form, of course.
Names concealed to protect the “innocent.”

“I am blinded that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else, I saw your profile and I thought wow I am attracted at first sight”
— Ooo profound. I wonder if this kind of copy/paste statement actually works on girls?

“I was afraid there weren’t any attractive women on OkCupid, but you proved me wrong.. How are you? :)”
— Toooooooooool. TOOOOOOOOOOL. Oh God, it’s painful, PAINFUL to read such a terribly copy-pasted LIE.

“how poetically can you describe a refrigerator?”
— Hmmm… a bit different, probably more along the lines of the bizarre statements I would send to girls if I was in their shoes. Therefore, coming from the other end, I can now see how fucking weird it is to receive it.

“How’s your weekend starting out? I relaxed with some whiskey and pool in the lower east side last night but some lady ended up yelling at me for taking a much needed piss after I crossed the Williamsburg bridge. Oops! Have you gotten up to any adventures, mischief, or mayhem lately? Let’s wander with a flask and a spliff and take some photos”
— A longer message does not necessarily make a better one. He is obviously a man of great social standing, charisma, and love of public urination. Women LOVE pee stories!

“Hi how you doing? haha
Nice to meet you I’m Jonathan.
I would go on a long talk about me but lets be honest I’m more interested in you (well want to know more about you) if I wasn’t I wouldn’t write you(no offence) haha.
For starters: Whats your name? And why are you so beautiful? haha”
— This guy is having a ball! He’s just laugh, laugh, laughing it up! Why does he want a relationship when everything is already A GOD DAMN LAUGHFEST?

“Hey. Would like some head?”
— No. Not want.

“Hahahaha… Awesome”
— For some reason my go-to “Epic” song is the “Fall On Your Knees” song from Home Alone. Well, it’s actually called “O, Holy Night” and it’s not just in Home Alone, but whatever. Anyway, whenever I feel the need for a particularly EPIC moment, I envision about a thousand young choir boys prancing around me and belting out this song at the top of their lungs. FAAAAAAAAALLLLL ONNNN YOUUUR KNEEEEEEES.

Their high pitched voices and cute, girlishly pre-pubescent faces that are flushed with perspiration, with their eyeballs practically jumping out of their sockets at the pure joy they feel from inflicting such terror on the world.

So, when I see a dude message “Hahahaha… Awesome” I have to wonder… was he expecting the girl to read that message and have an EPIC moment (FALLLLLLLLLL ONNNNN YOUUUURRRR KNEEEEES) and cause her to message him back, sex coming imminently? FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ONNNNN YOUURRRR KNEEEEEEEES

“Yo I kinda wanna stretch my ballskin out over your eyes, is that weird?”
— Hell no, in fact, if you hadn’t mentioned it yourself I would have requested it of you.

“Definitely one of the scarier profiles I’ve read in a long time. Is this a work of fiction?”
— Very astute! The single person to find anything peculiar about the profile. I think I’ll respond to him and tell him it is and see if the profile gets banned. The experiment continues!