Holy Jesus Moses Abraham Mother of Mohammad Ganesha and The Seven Dwarves.

This shit just got real.

Alright. As a matter of full disclosure, I am about to blow your fucking mind here. (Well, maybe not if you’ve been following my blog/reviews/mental vomitings for a while now.)

‘Cause dis shit just got REAL.

So, I have an OkCupid profile that I pretty much never use for its intended purpose of finding “a mate.” Not that I have any problem with using it for that purpose or anything, but I am looking to move out of New Jersey so I’m not trying to pursue anything while I am around here, and I am not about to start messaging girls with the whole, “Oh wow! You’re so cool. Yeah… no I don’t live in New York… haha… no… yeah I don’t, but soon! Yeah… oh now? Oh, I live with my parents… yeah… yeah but soon… soon … I’m gonna be living in New York. Yeah. Yeah… oh… my job? Hahaha… oh funny you should ask… real funny. Hil-air-E-us. Yeah… it’s pretty much nonexistent… yeah… but soon… soon I’m gonna get a full-time and I’ll be in New York… what’s that? Oh, you don’t want to talk… you don’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t have a job, lives with their parents, is 70 miles away, and is probably crazy? Oh haha! Yeah that makes sense! Hahaha! I wouldn’t want to talk to the person either… yeah… hahaha… okay thanks. Bye bye!”

Only it wouldn’t go nearly as well as that.

So, anyway. In the past I went over my more common usages of OkCupid, so I won’t be doing that again. Instead, I decided to try something new. An experiment if you will.

Yes, you may have already guessed it, but I did make a fake profile. I found a random picture of a reasonably attractive black-haired, slightly Greek-ish looking woman that didn’t seem too much like a model’s picture or a picture some random guy would use when he wanted to make a fake profile on OkCupid.

I got my picture, and then I set about making one of the most bizarre things I have ever created. This profile is vulgar and demented and wrong on so many different levels it should actually be tried before the court of crimes against humanity. My point is, will guys still message someone who is completely insane?

AND THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING YES.

It’s been barely 25 hours since I made the profile and I have already gotten 49 – FORTY NINE – fucking messages. Holy shit. What the hell is wrong with you people?!?! This girl is a terrible person, she is a combination of all of my most insane propensities for destruction and chaos – WHY DO YOU WANT TO MEET HER?!?

Madness!

And holy shit. I can’t even type that much without GETTING ANOTHER MESSAGE. I’m now up to 50.

I hadn’t planned on this at all, so I’m still trying to determine my next step. I certainly don’t want to respond to these guys. That would just be even too icky for me. I will soon begin reading the messages because I’m sure more than a few of them will try to replicate my insanity and send it back to me. I’ll be sure to post them up here.

Holy shit. Even more astounding – I got 165 visitors to my insane profile and 50 messages. That’s a nearly 1/3 average!!! My God.

But first things first. I must show you my profile. I will repeat it here, for your amusement, word-for-word. Exactly as I wrote it. Exactly as these horny foolish men are seeing it and collectively agreeing they MUST send this “girl” a message.

Look for it tomorrow!

AND.

MY GOD.

IT JUST WON’T STOP.

Currently up to 52 messages!!!